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An ongoing series of informational entries, thoughts & ponderings, 

and whatever else I think might interest or inspire...

Listening

July 5, 2020

I listen. That is what I do. Professionally. Personally. A listener. I think I started young. A born listener… or maybe bred, as I grew up at a time when common thought was “Children are to be seen, not heard”. I don't recall feeling really “seen” back then either though; when self-expression is stifled, visibility is impaired. I was a shy, quiet child. But I paid attention to what those around me were talking about, even perhaps when I should not.


I listened to a lot of my friends growing up too, especially when we were teenagers. Many of them were troubled, coming from difficult home situations. I understood…or if I didn’t, I just listened. Then I went to college, where I further developed my listening skills. Not as you may think in my classes. I was often a daydreamer in the lecture halls, distracted by the stories my imagination would tell; or else I was a people watcher, another sort of visual telling. But I really learned to listen in two other college roles I assumed- telephone fund raiser and helpline counselor. In the former, I learned that people gave larger donations if you listened to them reminisce about their college days- evoking happy feelings was positively correlated with increased generosity (and hence a nice bonus for a poor college student). And then with the later, as a helpline counselor on the night shift in the Washington/Baltimore area, never knowing what troubles or crazy tales the next caller would share (that is a whole other blog…maybe a book!).  People can talk about some very odd things late at night, anonymously, to a somewhat naive college student.  I often knew not what to say… so I listened…


And now, both personally and professionally, I still listen. Only deeper. As a Mom, I have learned (although not as soon as I now wish) that my children have many important things to say. Important in the sense that it tells me who they truly are, the seeds of which I only nurtured as their parent, but they amazing became …and that I can not hear enough about.  As a wife, listening is often quite a challenge. But when I do, and when he does, then we experience loving connection in a way that words cannot describe.


And then professionally, I am a therapist/counselor… a professionally trained, paid-to-listen listener. Although there is more to counseling than just listening, I will say it is the foundation on which most other techniques, theoretical frameworks, and psychological knowledge rest.


Deep listening starts with a quiet, open mind. Quieting my own thoughts, my own perspective, my own issues. I often start my day with meditation to do just that, preparing me for my work. Opening to hear another, whatever they have come to talk about, different thoughts and feelings. Maybe I can concur; maybe I can’t. It does not matter. I am just listening. But also, I listen with my heart, for the emotions, to understand empathetically. Heart-felt presence.


Deep listening. When someone talks, they allow what is on the inside to be heard on the outside. Their story. Their reality. Their truth.


Talk to me. I will hear you. I am listening…


The World of Essentials

May 8, 2020

The word “Essential” has never had more meaning than what it does today. According to the Oxford dictionary, the adjective “Essential” means: “Absolutely necessary; Extremely important”. And so now we recognize, of course, those on the frontline of the COVID-19 Pandemic as “Essential”. The healthcare professionals treating patients; law enforcement keeping order and maintaining the safety of our communities; manufacturers, truckers, and warehouse workers keeping our store shelves stocked; postal workers delivering our mail and packages; the store workers who check us out; the garbage men who haul away our non-essentials…and the list goes on. These same people were doing these jobs before the Pandemic, but never recognized the way they are now…. although, I believe it was our perception, not their value, that has changed.


To be “Essential”, to be “Absolutely necessary; Extremely important”. To know that each and every one of us matter, that is essential. As human beings, one of our deepest needs is to know that we are important. This is what drives so much of what we do, such as the career/work that we pursue and the goals for which we strive. It may also guide with whom we do things, like networking with those who can elevate our own standing or being seen with “the in crowd” in high school. And then, in terms of relationships, it is often the source of our suffering, when we seek to please others or to be valued by them in order to confirm our own worth. As a couple’s therapist, this is so often the theme, as conflict emerges when one feels unseen, unheard, and, ultimately, unimportant. This is why I start each couple’s session with partners expressing an appreciation for each other, so that their essential role in each other’s life is reflected.


I would like to expand the perspective that each and every one of us is “Essential”. We are all connected, and this world would not be the same without each and every one of us. I am not just saying this to be politically correct or superficially sweet. I am saying this because whether or not we see the minute details or the big picture, our being has profound impact from the day we are born until the day we die and beyond. Just think of how the birth of a baby changes a parent’s daily routine, identity, responsibilities, dreams, and so forth. Or the death of a loved one, that leaves a physical space but a legacy that inspires or a love that remains to comfort those still here. You may wonder, “Well, what could make a homeless person essential?” But that homeless person came from somewhere, was once someone’s baby, and perhaps has their own baby they are begging to feed. And maybe, someone who sees them will feel such compassion and gratitude, they are moved to give not only a few dollars, but a few hours to volunteer at a food kitchen that feeds hundreds more.


No matter what, we matter to someone, at some time, in some way. Essential…you, me, and everyone…Essential. Absolutely necessary. Extremely important. Imagine if we held onto this idea beyond this Pandemic, treating each and every being as someone who matters. Someone with inherent worth. Someone who makes a difference, has impact, is valued. Imagine what a future there would be in the World of Essentials!


My Path Up to Now (COVID-19 Pandemic)

May 1, 2020

I started providing couple’s counseling out of my home in 2014, while still working at a high school. In 2016, the idea to start my own practice took root, like a seed that had somehow quietly fallen into my consciousness. By 2017, I opened G. Hoegler Counseling LLC with little more than hope and hustle, as I juggled my work at the high school while working with clients after school hours, and figuring out all of the business and insurance aspects of running a private practice.


By 2018, I took an even bigger leap, leaving the security of a salary and benefits, into the unknown and uncertainty, the turbulence of risk and responsibility, and the steepest learning curve I have ever had to climb. But by 2019, I believed I had made it and was on steady ground with a practice which has now served over 250 clients. I began to focus more on creating the mission of my work, as the structure of my business seemed solid and sure. And then came the COVID-19 Pandemic….


On March 16th, in the middle of a sleepless night, I made the decision to close my office. When I thought of the possibility my remaining open could put others at risk, there really was no question of what to do. So once I made the decision, I was somewhat at ease, although the next week of setting up telehealth to continue providing services was exhausting and mind-boggling. Another steep learning curve with uncertainty…


I am now heading into Week 8 with my office closed, and I am adjusting to this new way of doing what I do. I miss my office and the physical proximity of being in the same room with my clients. Telehealth is difficult in that the view is limited. But even with the required physical distancing, it still allows for the needed interpersonal connection. And, as a colleague told me, a scarf makes even pajamas look professional on a laptop! I have not gone that far, but I will say that I definitely am not wearing shoes!


My weekly sessions are about half what they were, but as this Pandemic continues (and probably into the “New Normal”), clients are starting to reach back out and new ones are coming. Having built up my clientele before, I know I will do it again, so I am really not worried. It is a mixed blessing that the need for counseling will never disappear in this world. But I also believe in the value of counseling beyond troubles, for learning and growth.  And so I am here to serve whoever is ready and willing...


The foundation of my practice is strong, so it will weather this storm. But like after 9/11 and Super Storm Sandy, we will have to rebuild, finding the purpose and making meaning of it all. For me, it is continuing my work with clients, however I can via telehealth or in the office. It is now also posting FB videos to demonstrate LifeForce Yoga practices that foster calm, clarity, and connection (the 3 C’s), which we could all use more of these days. And it is this, writing. Not just writing, but putting my words, wise or whimsical, out there for others to read.


So right now, life is tough for so many. I, myself, have personal struggles and concerns. But I am also grateful to be relatively ok, safe and healthy, as are those near and dear to my heart. I hope whoever reads this can say the same. But I know some cannot. I believe this storm will eventually pass, but not without changing the landscape profoundly. If I can help you ride this wave, even if it seems to be crashing down, reach out and I will do what I can.


© 2020 G. Hoegler Counseling LLC


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